TV ANNOUNCER: [Vow Vi/ay Singh with a testy 12-foot putt.
Putter, putter, putter, putter, putter, swing!
Man...
Hey, Dad. Guess who's the star of the Nursing Home Follies?
Quiet, Bobby. We're watching the Masters.
That's a golf tournament.
I know. The one with the fabulous green jackets.
TV ANNOUNCER: Bay, Ken, you can cut the tension with a knife.
A froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride
Uh -huh, uh -huh
A froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride Uh-huh, uh-huh
[Crowd cheering on TV]
A froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride Sword and pistol by his side
Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride Uh-huh
Thank you, Garrity and Sons Nursing Home.
JERRY: Wonderful.
I'm Jerry Popper. I was on The Tonight Show once.
- Can you spare a minute? - Can I?
Kid, I'll get right to the point. I hate living here.
But watching you up on that stage, lighting the place up...
for a moment it made me forget the nurse stole my watch.
You got something, kid.
Moxie, chutzpah, pizzazz?
You're selling yourself short.
This is Chip Block, all-American, and the original.
Not one of those plastic Woolworth's copies...
that allowed me to retire in such comfort.
Right, Chip?
Hey, Slugger. That was my brother's name.
They made him into a baseball bat. He was from Louisville.
Hey!
That dummy's got good timing.
- Who are you calling dummy, dummy? - Settle down, Chip.
Chip doesn't like to be called "dummy." He prefers the term "carved figure."
Crafted by Mastermen's of Wisconsin. Portuguese cork.
Portuguese cork. That's funny.
Yep. But real ventriloquism is about more than telling jokes.
It takes great acting, Bobby. Oscar-caliber.
To play two roles at once.
Nobody could do it today. Except maybe Meryl Streep.
Streep would be a great ventriloquist. And so would you.
I want you to have him.
I'm gonna win the talent show this year.
Not that banjo-playing dork.
Whoa, kid.
You can't just put your hand inside his body.
You've got to get inside his head.
Who is Chip Block? I'll tell you.
He's the best athlete ever to attend All-America High.
Every boy wants to be his pal. Every girl wants to be his gal.
But I'm sorry, ladies. He's saving it for marriage.
An athlete?
I may look big, but very little of it is muscle.
Chip and I know you can do it, Bobby.
Please, Bobby. The show must go on.
You say that, too? All right, I'm in.
Thanks, Mr. Popper.
Promise me you'll take care of him. None of that lemon-scented crap.
- Linseed oil. - I promise.
Not you, Chip. I was talking to...
Bravo, Bobby!
Hank, what is it about models that rock stars find so attractive?
BOBBY: Fluttering butterflies.
Fluttering butterflies.
Fluttering butterflies?
Not in this house.
"The fluttering butterflies gracefully filled the skies in Pacific Grove."
"The fluttering butterflies gracefully...
- "filled the--" - Oh, God!
Dad, this is Chip Block.
We're practicing our labials.
New rule: Lights out by 8:30.
- Another. - Don't you think you've had enough?
HANK: Another. BILL: Yes, sir.
My son is playing with dolls. There. I said it.
He's a sissy. There. I said that.
"Sammy Sosa.
"Sammy Sosa."
That's a ventriloquist's dummy.
The way people were talking...
I thought you were playing with a Barbie doll.
Mom, meet Chip Block, all-American.
Chip, this is my mom.
I didn't know you had a sister.
Thank you. Pleased to meet you, Chip.
Yeah. That's really all the material we have.
The problem is Chip likes the sports pages...
but I'm more of an arts-and-leisure guy.
I don't even know how to read a box score.
Then a league-leading softball pitcher will be the one to teach you.
Let me just get a sports page.
Okay. Now, ERA, as you see here...
is my "earned run average" which is very, very good.
What does "HBP" mean?
Hit by pitch. She was crowding the plate.
Hank said I could get some cereal.
I'll never forget this. In this game, I had a no-hitter.
If you adjust between...
...actually errors... Jealous...
Who was the last pitcher to win 30 games?
Denny McLain. Detroit Tigers, 1968.
That's day-one stuff, Chip. Give me a hard one.
Okay, wise 911v-
How many years did he get for pension fraud?
You got me. Unless it was eight.
You're the man.
TV ANNOUNCER: And the ball is going.
It's foul. Foul ball.
Bobby, maybe you and your action figure...
want to go clean your room.
Could you please blow your smoke the other way, Mr. Gribble?
I'm training for the varsity squad.
[Dale exclaims]
[Dale screams]
- I get Dale's spot. - What's with Dale?
He's like an LA fan, leaving in the seventh inning.
Boy, this new manager sure is methodical.
Yeah. People criticize him for playing little ball.
But I say a "W" is a "W" any way you get it.
Come on. My grandmother hits like that.
God, I hate infield singles.
It put your tying run on first, Mr. Hill.
Got to like that.
Yeah.
That's true, Bobby, and...
Chip. Chip Block. Nice to meet you, Mr. Hill.
How do you do that, Bobby?
He's using show business.
Palmeirds gonna be looking for a fast ball.
BOBBY: All right!
TV ANNOUNCER: Base hit.
Dang old Palmeiro, man...
Palmeira got a fast ball and really turned it around.
- You called it, Chip. - Chip's a genius.
Bobby, Chip, you get Dale's spot. Bill?
I couldn't handle the pressure, anyway.
Could be. Could be.
It is!
Round-tripper. He's gonna tag all the bags.
All right.
I love this guy.
Enjoy your last few breaths, dummy.
[Camera clicks]
You're looking lovely this morning as usual, Mrs. Hill.
Thank you.
I'll have cinnamon rolls, pancakes, 7-Up, bacon.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Bobby, if you're gonna bulk up, do it right.
You want five raw eggs in a glass.
Raw eggs? Haven't you heard of salmonella?
Relax, kid. lfl wanted to kill you...
I'd challenge you to a push-up contest.
[Hank laughs]
- Yeah. - Eggs it is.
Mr. Hill, could you pass the sports section, please?
Sure. You gonna make fun of tennis there, Chip?
I think tennis does a pretty good job of making fun of itself.
Ain't that the truth?
[Ominous instrumental music]
KIDS: [Singing] Someaneis gota birthday
I wonder who?
I think it's you!
Now let's see what Daddy got for you. Bud, get Dale his gift.
HBPPV birthday, squirt.
NANCY: Sug, are you all right?
Fine.
Shwsha!
[Gear whirring]
Octavio, I want you to do the exact same thing...
I just did to this picture to this guy in person.
Except do it right here.
Okay. I'm gonna need $20 now. And $20 when it is done.
And another $20 for expenses.
Tee time is in two hours and eight minutes.
So in other words, you're going to be leaving the house.
Yes, Dale. We're all going golfing, remember?
I can't go. I got plans.
Yeah, plans.
I mean, nothing.
Hello, Mr. Gribble. Nice to see you.
Nice to see you again.
[Dale screams]
We got a spot open today for golfing.
How do you like to join our foursome?
No, thanks, Mr. Hill.
I'm gonna hang out here today.
Maybe run some wind sprints.
Come on, Chip.
I'll let you drive the cart...
maybe even fix you up with my three-wood.
[Hank laughs]
HANK: Bobby? Chip? Let's go.
11:15 a.m.
The man and the boy and the puppet leave the house.
11:16. Octavio speaks into tape recorder...
thus leaving crucial evidence. Stupid idiot.
Octavio must be gotten rid of.
"Dear Octavio...
"this is the hardest letter...
"I've ever had to write."
[Bobby humming]
Silence on the tee.
Keep your left arm straight.
Yes!
Actually, Bobby told me about that one.
HANK: Chip, you modest son of a gun.
What will you have, Chip? A can of Thompson's Water Seal?
DALE: Hello.
Help!
[Muffled screaming]
Can I help you?
Yes. I would like to purchase some chloroform...
a roll of duct tape, and this gagging bandana.
HANK: Oh, dang.
Looks like a penalty stroke.
No, sir. That's a temporary water hazard.
Free drop, no nearer to the hole, no penalty.
All right. How did you learn so much about golf?
I've seen Happy Gilmore 50 times.
I hate Adam Sandier.
Yeah. He's all poo-poo jokes.
You don't have to work blue to be funny.
- Amen to that. - Dad.
I'm starting to get a ventriloquist's tan.
No one likes a whiner, Bobby. Right, Chip?
Right.
Mr. Popper?
Caught you in the act.
It's you, kid.
I thought it was that thieving nurse coming back for the other cufflink.
I hope I'm not disturbing you, sir.
[Using Chip's voice] He was disturbed before you got here.
Sorry. Old habits.
So, how is that crazy wooden bastard?
Great. Everybody loves Chip.
It's just...
Well, when you and Chip were partners...
did you ever get the feeling...
that the audience liked him better than you?
Of course. Chip was the star. And he got paid better, too.
That's a joke from my act.
- That didn't make you crazy? - Of course it did.
I wanted to be known for more than just Chip Block.
At one point I even shelved him and hit the road solo.
I did sound effects.
I was the first guy to do windshield wipers.
A few weeks later the audience stopped coming.
After my second cry for help...
I decided it was better to be on the edge of the spotlight...
than not be there at all.
Yeah, I hear you.
It's almost 4:00. I'll let you get ready for dinner.
Do me a favor, will you?
Tell the nurse you couldn't find me.
JERRY: I'm gonna get that thieving slut.
Bobby, I'm heading over to the hardware store.
And I bet the guys there would get a kick out of Chip's...
"Jimmy Johnson varnishing his hair" routine.
The show must go on.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
Dad, Chip is gone!
Is this part of your new act?
I don't get it.
I don't know where he is, but there were signs of a struggle.
Think. Now, retrace your steps.
[Wood chipper whirring]
BOBBY: Chip! HANK: No!
[Dale laughs Victoriously]
Dale, are you nuts?
You'll never put that creep back together.
I mixed him in with two chairs and a toboggan.
You're next. I'm kicking your ass through that thing.
You wouldn't hit an unconscious man.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
You know what? Maybe this is all for the best.
[Hank grunts]
Maybe you're right.
What do we really need Chip for, anyway?
Now you're talking, Dad.
Yep. Think about it.
If we build a new Chip, we could make him perfect.
Don't get me wrong, Chip was great.
But his neck wasn't really thick enough to play football, at least not competitively.
And if his ears didn't stick out so much, he could wear a helmet.
I'll be at my workbench cobbling together...
something I can be proud of.
[Sad instrumental music]
[Bicycle breaks squeaking]
Bobby, catch.
The spring-loaded arm needs a little tightening...
but the new Chip will finally be able to throw a football.
You know, Dad, I could just use my sock and a magic marker.
A sock never had an arm like this.
Or legs that could scramble like Roger "The Dodger" Staubach's.
And I bet that sock doesn't have Troy Aikman's jawline.
- Okay. - It'll be fun, Bobby.
It's kind of like I'm building you a big brother.
Yeah.
Okay, let's see here.
Sorry, Bobby. But I can't tighten that arm.
[Hammering]
Dad, this yahoo thinks the Rangers...
are philosophically a National League team.
- "Yahoo." - That's fine. Peggy?
What gets out 32-year old blood? Club soda, right?
I'm gonna go watch the Rangers...
philosophically kick the Yankees' butts.
I'll watch the game. Anybody else in?
Not me. I've got to spiff up...
my old Pop Warner jersey for Chip No. 2.
Peggy, you know that hair we always find in the drain?
You don't just throw that out, do you?
Wait a minute. Bill! He has bags of hair at his house.
Hank, your son is outside throwing a football in the air...
and trying his damnedest to catch it.
Maybe he'd get a few less bruises if you spent some time with him.
That's why I'm trying to finish the new Chip ASAP.
So we can start spending more time with Bobby again.
All right, then. I will let you play with your doll.
And, you know, if there's any lumber left over...
you might want to use it to build the wife you've always wanted, too.
BOBBY: And Staubach goes back to throw.
He's in the pocket.
[Bobby screams in pain]
[Table saw buzzing]
Dad, I got Mr. Dauterive's old Pop Warner jersey.
You know, for the act. Me and Chip 2.
I mean, Chip 2 and me.
You got to give the star top billing.
Yeah. But I think in this case, you'll agree...
both stars deserve top billing.
It looks just like me.
It's even got my haircut.
Yeah. I've still got a few more holes to drill along the scalp.
You know, to even out the hairline.
Hey!
These are my short pants from when I was three.
Yeah. I found them in my rag bag.
I don't know, Dad.
Short pants don't really belong on a football field.
That's okay. You don't, either.
Isn't Iran Chef on?
Yeah. Let's go watch Iran Chef
You know, the Rangers are playing the Yankees right now.
Iron Chef. Iron Chef.
Sorry, Dad. it's two against one.
Yeah. I guess you're right.
[Singing] Froggy went a-courting and he did ride uh-huh
Uh -h uh
Froggy went a-courting and he did ride Uh-uh
DUMMY: Uh-huh.
Look, Peggy-
Look at me with my two sons.
[Singing] Froggy went a-caurtin' and he did ride
Sword and pistol by his side
Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride Uh-huh
"Dear Octavio...
"it has come to my attention...
"that a man claiming to be Dale Gribble recently fired you."
ALARM: Perim eter brea ch.
Perimeter breach?
You'll never catch Dale...
You're right, Bobbies. Ventriloquism is fun.
[Jerry imitating windshield wiper]